the fear that drives New Year's Resolutions

doodled a "cover" for my 2013 art journal

i am not enough. 
and i'm too much.

these fears run deep, probably deeper than most, and are really the undercurrent of so many of the other fears. because if i believed i was enough, right now, my spirit and his, intertwined in this moment... i could take a deep breath {breath...} and live free and love well. my sons have the mother they need. my husband has the wife designed for him. my artistic desire and abilities are exactly where they are meant to be right now in this moment.

i wouldn't be overwhelmed with feelings of failure and needing to figure it all out... making resolutions that i know i'll never be able to keep up with. i'd be risking, pulling down walls, brick by brick with my bare hands. getting cut and bruised, but really breathing and living free. 

so, while my initial "list" included SMART goals (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound - thank you, nursing school) of moving toward health (and i do still want to cook and eat healthy and exercise and floss and dance and play with my boys), my recovering-perfectionist nature starts condemning me as soon as i "break" one of these. ope, drank a soda AND didn't floss that night. you're hopeless. or, you can do better - work harder! but i'm SO OVER those traps. the striving and the chains to expectations (my own and others'). 

so instead, i started something like a bucket list. just a bunch of dream-brave-heart-sometimes-silly things that make me feel like i'm living again... just the beginnings of a list, always open to modification...

because, really, what's the point of "being healthy" when you're not even really living?

did you see i already crossed off #15? try a top knot 1.1.13