in which it terrifies me that people i know read this blog

i ran into a friend this afternoon.  she has been a friend for almost ten years now, and walked so much of life with us. we were in a small "life group" together, meeting almost every week, for like 6 years. we have known some of the same struggles and joys, she was someone who listened and really heard my heart in those dark years. someone who longs for the deeper heart journey with me, for real community. someone who continues to be present in our lives as we move forward in our journeys.

so we happened upon each other and she joined us for lunch. halfway through, she mentioned that she had been reading my blog, and something to the effect that it was good - not to be afraid - that it was things my readers needed to hear, wade through, be aware of in themselves, take stock.

and me? i had been standoffish, avoiding eye contact, being much afraid. it was in the midst of a high-stress moment (my son spilling his milkshake sample for the 37th time, while i'm trying to clean it up, and jason is calling from across the restaurant "do you have the coupon??", and i was searching and not finding, and i knew this meal was less of a success to him because nothing was free... so many little things adding up). she had to step into my way to maneuver me into a hug as i was passing by, barely aware of anyone around me. i wasn't being brave, and i knew it.

so when she brought up my blog, i tried to thank her for her kind words, but what i felt was my old security blanket of shame. it's four days into the year, and already i've forgotten my name??

it is way easier to post these braveries, and send them out into the vast unknown, knowing that those who read it will accept it (& me) or not, but that it doesn't really matter. i want to encourage people in their journey, help them see love and light when i can, let them know they're not alone, put my heart out there... but if real people - or rather, my people - are reading it, it is incredibly more vulnerable.

i posted my first time on this blog New Year's Eve. i was brave for a moment, long enough to hit the "publish" button, but upon awakening, i found my heart yearning for affirmation.  for someone to tell me that i really am being brave, and not just crazy. so... i wake up on New Year's to discover that I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS LOOKED AT MY BLOG (and my husband, whom i forced to read it ;). why could that be?? oh wait. because i was too afraid to "share" it on facebook. agh. this is gonna be a long journey, folks!

so then i shared it. and then my dad shared it to his page {tremble}, and printed out my art and put it up on their fridge. and friends commented and affirmed...

and THEN i remembered that it doesn't matter if people accept me or not. i am loved. i am acceptable. other people do not define me. and God knows i'm putting my heart out there and longing for truth and beauty. so even if no one ever comments again (or worse, if they do!), i am okay. i'll keep being brave because i am safely tucked away in his heart.

fragile beauty