shoplifting and other exemplary behaviors

i stole something tonight. 

(don't worry, that's not the brave part - i know some of you were a little concerned when "cursed" was on my last list of brave accomplishments - i'm not that far gone ;) 

a little two-dollar-and-sixty-nine-cents bottle of minty green nail polish goodness. 

i had picked it out as a reward for myself for waiting in line to return stuff that's been sitting in my car since november. 

getting it was premeditated -

i dreamed of it as i waited in the line that took much longer than it should've since a woman was explaining to anyone who would listen why she didn't have a receipt - i only overheard part, but it involved her mother dying unexpectedly. my heart ached for her in her need to share her brokenness with complete strangers, even as i completed the task at hand... 

but stealing it was a complete accident. 

as i was unloading my (legitimately bought) groceries into my car, i saw it. 

resting on two bars where joey would usually sit 

(i got to go out without the boys - and all the mothers joined me in a hallelujah?!), 

it waited patiently for me to notice it. not until the celery and sunflower seeds, bananas and bubble mailers were completely loaded, and i was driving away did my heart realize

i'd left it in the cart all the way through the checkout line.

now. ten years ago, i would have turned and marched that polish right back inside and paid for it. because it was the right thing to do.

tonight, i wrestled even as i continued to drive through the parking lot and all the way up beach boulevard to my turn.

 i thought through it all: it was only two bucks. no one will know, no one will miss it... how much could it affect their revenue anyways? but...what ripples might be spreading as far back as the workers who put it together who-knows-where? what about my boys... i want to teach them right... 

{which reminded me of an incident that took place at dinner tonight. joey jumped up from the table, left the room, and we heard a flush just before his return, announcing "i peed!", which we know is code for "i didn't wash my hands afterwards". he's been having a hard time with that part of the process lately, protesting resolutely until the worst is threatened and he succumbs. so we told him to go wash them. to which he replied, "but i want to do it like you, mommy!" meaning, of course, not consistently washing my hands afterwards. uhhh... i mean, i always do. every time. my sister, husband, and i laughed belly laughs with tears, while he looked on, curious what could have caused such an uproar.

but there it is right there. they watch. all day, and even in the middle of the night when he stirs as i go to the bathroom after feeding the baby, he hears and takes note. no wonder it's been so hard for him to do lately! he doesn't have a good role model.} 

so all that flashed through my mind as i considered what to do about the nail polish.

and then, this whisper: 

go back. pay for it. but NOT out of guilt. NOT because it's "the rule". 

but because it's the best thing for your heart. 

the healthiest thing. 

truth in the innermost being. 

that is how to thrive, how to live the truly abundant life.

and i listened to spirit-movements in me and went back in complete freedom and joy. that he has done so much in my heart these past years that i am not just a conditioned legalist-robot "do - the - right - thing" (said in an 80s robot voice, complete with awkward arm motions - superbook club? anyone with me??), 

but that he has truly been transforming me. my desires, my ability to hear his voice, even my impulses are slowly being made whole and like his own heart's as i draw near. 

so grateful.

and you should've seen the look on the same employee's face that rang me up the first time, as i waited patiently behind a family that spent $342.84 to buy my two-dollar bottle of nail polish. 

she eyed me curiously as i explained, and thanked me for coming back. 

oh, no worries - it was the right thing to do, and i'm really good at behavior self-modification. 

uh, nope.

more like: my redeemer lives and is truly transforming my heart from stone to flesh.

 and it took a silly little bottle of nail polish for me to see.