where's jamey?

yesterday, i took a long nap. and when i awoke, i had been dreaming. this dream was also a movie i was watching. (this is very common in my dreams… does anyone else have cinematic dreams?). it was about a little family. the scenes i remember are: the dad is taking the two little boys, the older maybe four years old, the younger a one-year-old in a rear-facing carseat, on a short roadtrip. they are going to meet up with mommy. they make a pit stop and are running wild in a beautiful golden light-filled field, playing together, letting the dogs stretch their legs. then, they pack up and head off for the last leg of their trip. the camera pans out and then zooms in on the empty 4-year-old’s carseat. and the little gray curly-haired dog runs off into the field toward the boy, who got left behind, out on his own adventure.

Where’s Jamey? is the film’s name in the dream (you may have noticed this is my name, at least it would be, had I been consulted on its spelling); and, still asleep, i think how unlikely the leaving behind was, and why would the camera zoom in on the empty carseat again when they got to their destination? The audience already knows the boy is missing – it should be focused on the adults’ faces as they see it…

i’m sure the rest of the movie would be parents and baby rushing back to where they last saw him, and him long gone, trekking, finding his way home, dog at his side… until credits roll. (really. sometimes my movie-dreams end with rolling credits. strange, but true.) 

so i awaken and tell my love this dream, and he asks: “are you feeling abandoned by someone?” sort of an obvious interpretation of this dream, but a nonetheless insightful question.

and yes.

well, i think it’s more a fear of being abandoned. i have these deep questionings and desires swirling around in my life and spirit, and i’m afraid if i voice them, i will be left alone. the real me, at least, if i were to be discovered.

maybe my thoughts will be discussed with affirmation or critique.

maybe my actions will be criticized or applauded.

but what about me, the person…will i be loved?

when i say i need to take a break, how will people respond?

and DOES IT EVEN MATTER?? 

it’s when i realize that it doesn’t that i feel most free to say what the Spirit is moving in my life. and i say THAT, and feel like a poser, as if i’ve spent hours on end in prayer and meditation and had some special revelatory word from the Lord. but this life gets lived in its moments, and my spirit intertwines with The Spirit moment-by-moment as i turn my face to the light. so. i am not a poser. i do not claim special revelation from God (this time). but this seems to be the journey i’m on, and he has been asking me to take courage and jump to the next step. i’ve never really taken many “leaps of faith”… i want it to all get figured out beforehand.

before I tell anyone.

before I tell you.

before you tell me exactly what you think. 

I’m thinking about taking a break from going to church. 

there – I said it.



in unrelated news: this morning when I woke, I was dreaming of a writing career.